Nov 22 2010

Gay Wi-Fi available here

Published by at 12:06 pm under Just another day in Paradise

Is it me, or does the name you’ve set on your wireless internet connection say a lot about yourself?

This morning I switched my laptop on to write. While it was warming up, I squeezed my juice and put on some music, but before I got to sit down and start working, someone knocked on my door. When I opened, in front of me stood a big man I had never seen before. Long beard, long hair, rough looking American guy, who seemed very angry with me for some reason. ‘You’re stealing my internet’. ‘Hi there. And I don’t think so…’, I replied, seeing I couldn’t be as sarcastic as I wanted with this guy and still get home for Christmas safe.

He exhaled. The kind of reaction you get before they pull the gun out, turn it sideways and repeat ‘you’re stealing my Internet connection’. ‘Well, it says that someone from this flat is. Now if it’s not you, it’s your roommate, or who knows, but someone’s logging onto my network, and downloads stuff. And now it’s so slow that I can’t work’. I tried to help him out as much as possible: ‘Ok, I’ll go and see whether maybe it connected me automatically. But I don’t download, so it can’t be me. Anyway, what’s the name of your network’? And there it came… ‘Pipi’. ‘I’m sorry, what?, I asked again. ‘It’s Pipi! My name is Pipi!’, he yelled, not thinking there was anything weird about that.

After having dealt with Pipi and his somewhat weak and small wireless connection for such a big man, I went to a cafe for some people-spotting and inspiration. I took my netbook out and started typing, when the waiter approached me with my cheesecake. ‘The network’s name is lola’, and she is a showgirl I thought, ‘feel free to sign in’, he said and left. I went to my network list on my computer and refreshed it: ‘Lola’, ‘Sweet Lucia’ and ‘Suzi’. I couldn’t find it in my heart to connect to any of them. All I could hear in my head was my dad saying ‘you’re supposed to be an intelligent person and you’re logging onto ‘Suzi’ After all these years of studying and learning and wanting to make a difference, and you’re seen on this network’? I just couldn’t do it, it would kill him.

I went to the theatre in the evening to get a leaflet with the upcoming shows, when I overheard a girls’ chat from a bit further away. ‘He wants us to name it Salvatore…’, one of them said, disappointed. ‘What’s wrong with Salvatore?’, her friend asked, and I found myself wanting to know what was wrong with Salvatore as well, so I paid more attention. ‘Well, it’s a girl’! I could immediately see the problem and sympathised with her. ‘I was living there first, so I say it’s a girl! You can’t name a female internet connection ‘Salvatore’! How would he feel if I moved into his house and named his wireless ‘Bella Linda’? Perhaps the same way Matthew McConaughey did in ‘How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days’ when Kate Hudson named his penis ‘Princess Sophia’, I thought. Which is pretty bad. Unless her boyfriend was Pipi.

So… Is it me, or does it look like in 2010 moustaches, heavy boots and spitting on the ground can’t save you when your wireless connection is called ‘Pipi’? The same way degrees and awards can’t make you look good when you’re seen surfing on ‘Lola’. And is it me, or when your girlfriend is naming your wireless connection ‘Bella Linda’, that’s enough to kill any masculinity still left in you? Isn’t it true that this Wi-Fi name says a bit more about us than we realise?

What I do see however, is that, when used right, this could be a very clever tactic to put people off stealing your signal. I find, for example, that no one steals from me, and my wireless’ name is ‘Mick Jagger is God’. I think some are intimidated, and the religious ones, somewhat offended. In any case, I get all the coverage to myself without even bothering with security keys.

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