Dec 18 2010

Where to cheat in Florence

Published by at 1:29 pm under Just another day in Paradise

Today I made a list with the places where my boyfriend can cheat on me, and I will never find out.

This morning I went out for a walk and ended up sitting at a square, watching the people go by, listening to my music. At some point a bell rang, and it apparently set a sea of monsters free, and hundreds of kids in matching uniforms came running out of their school, jumping around like crazy, screaming, and letting it all out. After ten minutes of hell, a woman came and gathered them back into the building. I tried to imagine the chaos in that little school, where twenty kids didn’t seem to fit, let alone hundreds. I realised that entering that place would perhaps be my worst nightmare. I also realised that this could be the perfect place for my boyfriend to have an affair and be sure that I would never discover.

As I carried on with my walk, I came across an Irish pub. I looked inside out of curiosity: About twenty big, red-haired men were drinking from huge glasses of beer while shouting at a screen that had football on. Laughing loudly while spitting at each other, and being locked up in a dark pub, while the sun was shining outside, this looked like the most depressing place to be in a beautiful city like Florence. I made sure I added this pub to my list of ‘places to cheat and get away with it’ for my boyfriend.

I got a phone call from a friend later, asking me what my plan for the day was. I told her I would walk around while the sun was up and go to write in the evening. She got a bit jealous from the other side: ‘I wish I could do that too… I have to go to the gym though’… ‘Why do you need to go to the gym’, I asked with real wonder. ‘Because I’m trying to get in shape. I need to work those muscles, you know… The thing is that it’s really dark in there, there’s no windows… And all the people keep talking to you about vitamins and minerals and the most uninteresting things’… And you’re running on a treadmill watching a TV, or staring at a wall, while the sun is shining outside, and there are so many beautiful things to see. Yes, for sure a place where my boyfriend can have an affair and I won’t know.

I went back home and made my dinner while watching TV. A documentary on the life of extreme Christians was on, so I got hooked by the madness. It showed whole families protesting against gay people, women in their fifties who never had sex because they never got married, and churches where all these people get together and talk about who’s going to heaven and who’s going to hell, since it’s clearly up to them to decide. Those churches, my boyfriend could go and knock himself out, I wouldn’t hunt him down there, even if I knew.

He called in the evening so I told him that his Christmas present was ready. The four places he could cheat and get away with it. After telling me that I have way too much free time in my hands, he asked to know the places where sin is not a sin. ‘You can go and do whatever you want, to whatever girl you want, at a tiny school with a lot of kids with matching uniforms, at an Irish pub in the middle of Florence while football is on, at a gym when the sun is shining outside, and at some crazy Christian churches where the ‘faithful’ meet to trash the gays. He stayed silent on the other side. ‘That’s nice… Thanks for that… I’ll… Get right on it’…

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