Dec 27 2010

Who are these kids, and why are they calling me ‘mom’?

Published by at 12:05 pm under Just another day in Paradise

Today I came up with the perfect way for women to avoid either having kids, or at least being asked constantly by families and boyfriends when they’re going to have kids. This is the recipe, girls out there.

This morning I woke up and found a number of missed calls on my phone from my best friend. Before I got the chance to call her back, she called again. She was heard whispering from the other side: ‘Hi, I’m in the bathroom, talking to you secretly, no one knows I’m here. My in-laws in the other room keep pushing for an answer of when I’m planning on having kids… I don’t know what to tell them’… ‘Tell them Sunday. Not this one, the one next’, I replied in a panic, trying to steal us some time. ‘No, but the thing is, I don’t think I want kids in general… How do I get out of this for good’?

She had me thinking. I went out for a walk, trying to figure out the best way for women to stop those annoying, stressful, intruding questions. I sat at a bench listening to my music, when my boyfriend called and we started chatting. At some point, there he said it again. The thing he always says: ‘I can’t wait to have kids with you… I really think you’d make an excellent, very cool mom’. ‘Oh, yeah’, I agreed, for the first time ever.

He was taken aback: ‘Really? You mean it, or you’re being sarcastic’? I thought then I’d try a different approach to this annoying never-ending question. A more homeopathic one. ‘No, I mean it. I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ve decided I really want kids. With you. As soon as possible’. ‘Wow! That’s great news!’, he rushed to say. ‘Yeah, cause I thought about the whole thing, and I realised that there is actually a way to fight my fear’.

He hesitated. ‘What fear’?… ‘Yeah, you see I have this fear, that I’m gonna have a kid, and then something is going to happen to it, and it’s gonna die’. ‘Oh wow… That’s dark’. ‘No, no but listen’, I quickly stopped him. ‘There are ways around this. First of all, you have more than four or five kids. So then the numbers work in your favour. If one dies, even if two die, then you’ve got the rest of them, you know? And I mean, what are the chances of all of them dying, right’? ‘I guess not that many…’, he said trying to get how once again we found ourselves in a conversation like this.

‘And then there’s of course the hating them way’. ‘The, the… What’? I tried to clear it up for him: ‘Yeah, you know, you raise your kids to hate them. You make them everything you wouldn’t want to be. The opposite of you. You teach them how to be mean and rude, how to be completely selfish and disrespectful. Then when you’ve got that down, you try to push them towards the worst kind of music, and films and art, make them completely tasteless’. ‘That’s nice…’, he said. ‘Yeah, so you end up hating them. So much, that you don’t mind seeing them go’. ‘You mean’… I helped him out: ‘Yeah, I mean die’.

He stayed silent on the other side, and then he said he had something he needed to do and that we’d talk later. I had a good feeling about this, but didn’t want to get too excited before I had some real results to showcase. The evening came and he called again. ‘I wanted to talk to you about something’… ‘Yes, of course. You know you can tell me anything, right?’, I said excited about what was coming. ‘I think maybe we should forget about the whole having children thing. I mean, I know I’ve talked about it a lot, but today I kinda changed my mind. I think you might not be the mother type’… ‘Nonsense… I’m sure I’d make a great mom’, I replied, trying to hide my big smile. He insisted: ‘Well, still, let’s just leave it. Maybe I wouldn’t be a good enough dad to stand equally next to you… We don’t need to talk about it again’.

So this is it. So easy, so simple. It’s homeopathic remedies at their best. ‘I want to have kids, I just hope you understand that in order to not be constantly worried about them, and spend sleepless nights waiting for them to come back safe after partying with their friends, I’m going to make them complete assholes and if one night they don’t come back… Well, what can you do, right? I still have the other three or four assholes’.

It’s flawless. No one, and I mean NO ONE, is going to want to have kids with you.

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4 responses so far

4 Responses to “Who are these kids, and why are they calling me ‘mom’?”

  1. Georgiaon 27 Dec 2010 at 12:23 pm

    Keep giving us hope, Angeliki… All is not lost, then!

  2. Elenion 27 Dec 2010 at 2:30 pm

    thank you thank you!!!!

  3. Angeliki Coconion 27 Dec 2010 at 4:44 pm

    Women out there, I’m here to help…!

  4. Elenion 27 Dec 2010 at 6:23 pm

    I need your help!

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